I have been lonely for years. I have had people around me that cared about me, took care of me, spent time with me. Loved me. And yet for as long as I can remember, I have felt alone. I could be in a crowd of a thousand people, and still feel like I was standing in the middle of a desert. Completely isolated.
I keep everything inside. I don't share many thoughts or feelings. I'm an introvert and a listener. Always have been, and probably always will be.
Maybe, just maybe, I have felt so alone purely because I don't share. I let people in, but I never let them know it. I don't tell people how much they mean to me. I always thought that atleast I knew how I felt, and I just deal with things on my own. But I came to two realizations while I've been in Australia.
1. I don't know how I feel.
I know the basic emotions that I feel at any given time, but I don't connect them to anything. I don't generally look at how I'm feeling, and think, "Hey, I'm feeling this way because..." I didn't realize that the reason I enjoyed doing things like playing Rock Band, playing WoW, etc., was because I was actually enjoying being with the people that mattered to me. It took me leaving the country to realize how much these people really meant to me.
2. I love my family more than anything.
The people who I spent almost 19 years with formed a deeper connection with me than I even knew. As I write this, I realize it's very similar to #1, but I'm still gonna see where it goes. I knew I cared about my family, but if I could have possibly realized how deep it was I never would have left. It makes me wish I never did, but if I hadn't, I wouldn't be quite the person I am today. Being relatively on my own, and on the other side of the world, has pushed me into a slightly different personality. It's not severe, but there are very subtle differences. While before I never told anyone how I was feeling, there are those rare occasions these days where I will. I'd say that's a step in the right direction.
3. I regret coming to Australia.
I don't regret coming to Australia. For the past three months, those two sentences have been having a battle of the bands in my brain. Trying to defeat the other and win recognition for all the little fan waves in my head. (Similar to brain waves, but these fan waves totally dig sweet tunes.) Recently, a third band joined the battle. They tell me that I wish I didn't have to go to Australia to realize how I felt. Leaving was something that had to happen to throw in my face my emotions. Make me realize what really matters. And that isn't where I am on a map. I could be going home to Antarctica for all it would matter. What matters is who I have around me. The people I love. The people who actually made me happy. The people who showed me, from the other side of the globe, that I'm not just happy with me. I need other people. I need to let people in. To break down the emotional Berlin wall, and show people what's going on in there.
Yes, I know that was three things when I said I realized two. But I added another one. Deal with it.
I miss my family, and I am finally in a moderately good place knowing that when I get back, I'll have a little bit better of an understanding about what really matters to me.
I'm tired of being alone. Especially by my own choice.
God damn this dusty room
This hazy afternoon
I'm breathing in this silence like never before
This feeling that I get
This one last cigarette
As I lay awake and wait for you to come through the door
Oh maybe, maybe, maybe I can share it with you
I'll behave, I'll behave, I'll behave
So I can share it with you
You are not alone dear lonely miss
You forgot but I remembered this
Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know
I am not alone dear lonely miss
I forgot that I remembered this
Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know, oh ohh, oh ohhh
I dream about somewhere, smoke will fill the air
As I lay awake and wait for you to walk out that door
I can change, I can change, I can change
But who you want me to be?
I'm the same, I'm the same, I'm the same,
Who do you want me to be?
You are not alone dear loneliness
You forgot but I remember this
Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know oh ohh, oh ohh
I am not alone dear lonely miss
I forgot that I remembered this
You're not alone dear loneliness
You forgot but I remembered this
Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know
I am not alone dear lonely miss
I forgot that I remembered this
Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know oh ohh, oh ohh
You make me feel like no one has before
You make me feel like I never have before
You make me feel I've found what I was missing
You make me feel whole again
These feelings you give me I can't understand
These feelings you give me make it all worthwhile
I'd give you the stars
I'd give you the moon
So far away, but in my heart
So far away, but never apart
I'd do it al just for you
I'd do even more just to be close to you
These feelings I get tear apart my core
They tear me apart because I know I can't hide
These feelings I get tear apart my core
But what I feel for you is worth a thousand hells
I think of you, your head on my chest
I think of you and I feel whole
But a moment later I'm torn in two
A part with me and a part for you
You said it yourself, this is a disease
And I told you then there is no cure
No cure, only treatments
Gotten from me and gotten from you
What is meant to happen will happen
Wrote it a million times
What is meant to be will happen
Do it, I tried
I would do anything to be with you
Keep on trying, maybe that wish will come true
I'd give it all away just to get to you
Keep on praying that wish will come true
except for the car part. atleast that's sorted out.
| Your Birthdate: June 29 |
 You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet. Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings. You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments. You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action. Your strength: Your vivid imagination Your weakness: Fear of failure Your power color: Coral Your power symbol: Oval Your power month: November |
| BROWNIE BATTER! You scored 81% SWEET, 70% CHUNKY, and 62% UNIQUE! |
| brownie batter ice cream with a rich brownie batter swirl Mmmm....you are a very sweet mix indeed! You are warm, loving, and caring to all those around you, but you're not boring in the least! You have a wild streak and a creative, unique streak, too. You are a great friend, an interesting person, and you know how to have fun without ending up crouching over a toilet bowl. Nice! |
 |
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor Test written by weered1 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
- Music:Bad Religion - Godsmack
Some guy put up a bulletin that's been going around, about how guys make girls think that they have to be absolutely perfect to be attractive. At the end of it, it has one of those "repost if you agree" things on it, but I figured I'd rewrite it a bit in my own way, with the same sort of message.
Often, it's a guy's fault when a girl doesn't think very well of herself. Either because she's been made fun of, or not paid attention to, or whatever. But girls, you don't need to have double D's for someone to like the way you look. You don't need to have a giant ass for someone to appreciate you. Just be you for you, and understand that whether or not you think you're attractive, there are other people who are going to be thinking that you are.
Too many girls have put themselves down by thinking and voicing how unattractive they are, blind to the fact that they're really quite gorgeous. Even after being told by many people that they are beautiful, they find a way to make it seem like they're lieing to make them feel better.
And girls, it's not just you that feels this way. A lot of guys think they're ugly for one reason or another, and no matter what anybody tells them, they don't feel any different about themselves.
So just remember, all of you out there, that you're all special and unique, and that if you just be yourself, someone will be glad that they've found you. And hopefully when they find you, you'll be able to appreciate how much they'll care about you.
~Josh
- Mood:
weird - Music:Breakfast at Tiffany's
Here's the deal: Name five fictional characters you'd have sex with,
then tag five people who have to do it, too. Be sure to mention who
tagged you when posting it, though.
1. Kahlan from the Sword of Truth series
2. Any role that Scarlet Johansen(sp?) has played. (Yeah, it's a copout. I know.)
3. Indiana Jones (There are certain people you don't have to be gay to have sex with.)
4. Mona Sax from Max Payne(2)
5. MJ Watson from Spiderman (the movie, not the comic book. yes, Kirsten Dunst.)
Now, the real question is, do I have 5 people in my friends to tag?
</a></b></a>
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
celticstormegalamdringjedicrowmegrithTa da. I managed it. Barely.
You know how to get in touch if you want to.
~Josh~
- Mood:
uncomfortable - Music:Red Hot Chili Peppers - I Could Have Lied
You know how to get in touch.
- Mood:
tired - Music:Pantera - Yesterday Don't Mean Shit
You Are 19 Years Old |
19 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
I didn't know I was 19! Geez! That would explain the.. Err.. I don't know what it would explain. Arrrrgh! Bye bye now.
The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
| Your brain: 140% interpersonal, 100% visual, 100% verbal, and 60% mathematical! |
| Congratulations on being 400% smart! Actually, on my test, everyone is. The above score breaks down what kind of thinking you most enjoy doing. A score above 100% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 100% means you use it less. It says nothing about how good you are at any one, just how interested you are in each, relatively. A substantial difference in scores between two people means, conclusively, that they are different kinds of thinkers. Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice, which I think is obvious:
|
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The 4-Variable IQ Test written by chriscoyne on Ok Cupid |
| Stars ~ 70% Water ~ 70% Wind ~ 62% Earth ~ 66% Fire ~ |
| Fall for me,
|
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Elemental Balance Test written by Nitsuki on OkCupid Free Online Dating |
 | You scored as Leonardo. You need to relax and realize that life should be fun as well as orderly. Your organization and willingness to be perfect will help you along the way, but sometimes you can be very annoying to others.
Which teenage mutant ninja turtle are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
Your Linguistic Profile: |
55% General American English |
30% Yankee |
5% Dixie |
5% Upper Midwestern |
0% Midwestern |
Life's been relatively good. Felt pretty happy. Still do. Yay. That's about all there is to it.
~Josh
~Josh
- Mood:
naughty
